


I Hate This

by dvg



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Idiots in Love, M/M, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:08:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25692583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dvg/pseuds/dvg
Summary: Inspired by the song by Tenille Arts and the letter from the lockdown episode. Another re-post of a post-prison reunion fic.After three years, Robert is out of prison. Now divorced, Robert and Aaron are both trying to fight the feelings that still linger between them. But with some help, will they finally realize how much they still love each other before it's too late?And Robert's letter to Aaron is finally revealed and so is the letter Aaron wrote back to him that he never sent to prison.
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

_ I hate this _   
_ Here I am running into you trying not to touch _   
_ I hate this _   
_ Acting like it's not killing me when it does _   
_ And that watch I gave you still looks good on your wrist _   
_ Don't you think it's time we end this little experiment? _   
_ Cuz I know we said we'd just be friends _   
_ I can't lie and I can't pretend _   
_ I've tried and bottom Line Is I still love you and I hate this _

If only he hadn’t picked up that shovel. If he had just turned around and walked away, left well enough alone. If he’d just put his family first….

Their ending might have been different.

He’d never intended for things to end that way, for their future to be ripped from them when it was just beginning.

Robert looked around, taking in the familiar sights of his old life, a life that was only a distant memory now. Little here had changed except for himself.

He had learned to cope alone without the comfort and support of his family. It was something he had resigned himself to, a choice he had learned to live with.

But it hadn’t been easy. Far from it, but it had been his reality – for three years.

The gnawing ache of homesickness he had become accustomed to during his time inside, far away from everyone that he loved, had now been forgotten, the torture of insecurity and the crippling fear of being alone had been banished from his memory.

He had not just survived those dark days, he had prevailed.

He’d been back three months now and still, nothing felt real. It would be so easy to just walk away and start a new life somewhere else, a place that didn’t constantly remind him what had been stolen from him. His husband, his best friend, his home.

Sure, he’d settled in a new flat and he had reins of the haulage company firmly in his hands, and if you considered all that sure life was pretty good for a man that had just gotten out of prison.

But he didn’t have Aaron, and that made everything else worthless.

Aaron was still a part of his life, but not in the way he wanted. They were just friends, but that was all they could ever be now, and Robert hated it.

It was all Aaron could give him, and Robert had accepted it because he’d been left with no other choice. He didn’t want to push Aaron into something he wasn’t ready for.

He would have to be patient. And he had been for three long months, but enough was enough. He couldn’t do it anymore.

He’d stolen five years of Aaron’s life, what right did he have to ask for anything more than what Aaron was willing to give?

But he wasn’t a patient person – he’d tolerated all he could – and waiting well he’d done enough of that. It was time to take action.

He overheard Aaron telling Chas he was going to a new bar in Hotten that night after work, so Robert decided to follow him, and prepared to make his move. He would offer to buy Aaron a drink. They would sit in a private booth and talk. He would finally tell Aaron he couldn’t keep lying and pretending that this wasn’t killing him when it did, that he still loved him. That he wanted them back and this little experiment had run its course.

But all of that died when he stepped out of his car and spotted Aaron outside the bar with someone Robert didn’t recognize.

Then Robert realized Aaron had come here to hook up with a random stranger. Maybe he had read the signs all wrong. Maybe it was really over.

Robert got back in his car and drove off before he got to see Aaron kick the brick wall out of frustration. Because no matter who he was with, a stranger or somebody he knew, he didn’t want anybody but Robert, and it hurt to breathe.

* * *

Robert sat on a stool at the bar and watched as Chas approached him. She had been surprisingly supportive and even caring towards him since he’d come back. No snide comments, she never even uttered a single word about all the times he'd screwed things up with Aaron. He had to give her credit for that.

She took one look at him and could tell her needed a drink. “Rough night?”

“I went down to that bar to try and track Aaron down."

“And?” Chas prompted.

“He’s moved on, Chas. I saw him outside making eyes at this bloke. I don’t even know why I bothered. He’s made his feelings clear. He’s not in love with me anymore. I pushed him too far and he can’t forgive me.”

“Don’t give up,” Chas said, placing a pint in front of him. “It’s not like you to give up so easily. If you hadn’t have gone after him in the first place all those years ago, you would have denied the both of you something a lot of people spend a lifetime looking for.”

It was still strange having Chas on his side, and Robert still didn’t know what to say or how to act around her, so he just sipped his beer. “That was a long time ago. A lot has changed since then.”

“When did you start being such a coward?”

Robert looked offended. “I’m not a coward. I’m doing what he asked me to do. I’m being his friend.”

“You followed him to a bar, and I don’t think that had anything to do with trying to be friendly.”

Whatever had been left of what they had was gone. And he knew the blame for all of it laid right at his feet. “I was being selfish again, what else is new? I don’t want to be his friend. I want to be everything. I want him back, I want us back. Does that make me a bad person?”

“No,” Chas said honestly. She leaned over the bar and put her hand on top of his, surprising them both. “Look, I know I haven’t exactly been kind to you since you’ve been back. You hurt Aaron when you cut off all contact, but I know now why you did it. Because you cared about him, you loved him. You wanted him to have a future, and you didn’t think that could include you because of what you were facing. You didn’t want him moping around here forever pining after you when god knows how long you were going to be locked up in there. You couldn’t predict the future, none of us could have known you would be out in three years.”

“I thought I could handle it, us just being friends because it was what he wanted. It was easier when I was stuck inside. I didn’t have to see his face, I didn’t have to see the pain that he was in because of me. Now that I’m here and I see him out with other people, it kills me because I know it’s because of me that we’re not together. If I hadn’t screwed everything up---”

“Everybody makes mistakes, Rob,” Chas said, interrupting him. “Sure you make more than your fair share, but that doesn’t change things. You set him free, Rob, because you love him. You made a huge sacrifice for him, and yeah it took him a long time to finally see that, but when he did he was incredibly proud of you. We all were. Just give it time. Trust me, if Aaron was really interested in moving on he had three years to do it.”

“That doesn’t change where we are now, does it? I’m supposed to just act like I’m happy that he’s moving on when inside I just want to scream? I can’t let him know that this bothers me, he’ll just call me out on being jealous. We agreed to just be friends, nothing more. What the hell was I thinking agreeing to that?”

Chas poured a shot of whiskey and nudged it towards him. He obviously needed it. “Because you know that right now it’s all he can offer you. Aaron is stubborn, Rob, he’s not dumb. He knows you love him otherwise why would you still be here?”

“Yeah, but what good is it now? He’s going to find someone he could even get married again. Chas, that would kill me,” he admitted. “What the hell am I going to do when he gets serious with someone else and I have to watch that? I’m not sure if I can do that, and yes I know that makes me selfish.”

“You’ll find somebody else too. It’ll just take time.”  _ Unless you two idiots do something about it. _

Robert stared at her like she was crazy. “I don’t want anybody else. I never have.” He downed the whiskey, felt the hot liquid burn the back of his throat.

“If this is how you feel, talk to him. Maybe he feels the same.”

“He doesn’t, he’s made that very clear.” Robert stood up from the bar and grabbed his bag from the floor.

“Running away isn’t the answer,” she told him.

“I’m just getting out of the village for a few days to clear my head.”

Because she understood how he felt, she didn’t push. She had pushed him enough over the years. Now she had to figure out a way to get through to him and Aaron and help get the two of them back together. Where they belonged.

Once Robert left the pub, she picked up the phone. “Yeah, Vic it’s me. Robert took the bait. He's a real wreck. It’s time to work on Aaron now. It’s up to the two of us to get the two of them back together. They’re both too stubborn to do it themselves.”

“Already on it.” 


	2. Chapter 2

Aaron had worked hard to rebuild his life over the last three years, then Robert had walked back into his life like he’d never left and thrown his life into a tailspin all over again, the pain of Robert’s betrayal still a wound so deep that he couldn’t even think about where that left them.

Because the truth was he didn’t know.

All he knew was that he couldn’t go back to that place, he couldn’t risk his heart again. Being friends was the only way to protect his heart, to keep it from breaking again. And Robert would. Not intentionally, it had never been intentional, but it always happened.

They were divorced, had been for almost two years, and it was time to move on.

Aaron ignored the ringing phone, maneuvered around the stacks of boxes that took up most of the cabin, and plopped down behind his desk crowded with paperwork that he’d been putting off.

He was still nursing a hangover from the night before and had no energy to answer the phone or catch up on the mountain of paperwork that needed his attention.

_ Should have just stayed in bed,  _ he thought with a grimace as his head continued to pound. After he’d rejected the advances by the stranger he’d met at the bar he had gone back home and downed an entire bottle of whiskey until he passed out. He had fought so hard to get over Robert, to get past the way they ended, but then Robert had turned up and he found himself right back where he started.

Nothing made sense anymore.

He had tried so hard to not give in, to not succumb to temptation, but Robert’s presence was making it next to impossible to keep ignoring what he wanted, even though he knew that it would just lead him down a very dangerous road.

“You look knackered.”

Aaron looked over to find Vic making herself at home in the chair across from his desk. He narrowed his eyes at her as the pain in his head reminded him that consuming a whole bottle of alcohol probably wasn’t the best idea he’d ever had. “Thanks,” he muttered.

He would have told her to just leave him alone, but she had two steaming hot cups of coffee in her hands so he didn’t say a word.

Vic watched him closely over the rim of her cup. His eyes were shadowed with doubt, worry, and grief. Remnants, she thought, of a shattered marriage and a broken heart.

Robert’s release from prison and return to the village had turned Aaron into an emotional wreck, and he wasn’t acting like himself. More than usual, and she was worried.

“I heard you went out last night,” Vic said.

“None of your business, Vic.”

She sighed. “Is this about Robert again? I thought the two of you were getting on as friends.”

“We are friends.” What the hell did Robert have to do with this? “Vic, this has nothing to do with Robert. How I spend my free time is none of your business, and it’s certainly none of his.”

“It is my business if you’re trying to sabotage your future.” Vic let out a breath. “I talked to Chas this morning. She said Robert seemed upset when he came into the pub. I told her he saw you out at the bar last night and you weren’t alone. Doesn’t sound like he was taking it all that well.”

“If I was out with someone, and I’m not saying I was, it’s none of Robert’s business. Not anymore. We’re divorced or did you forget that? Which was his idea by the way.” He didn’t bother to mention that he hadn’t been remotely interested in the man that had tried to use every pickup line in the book on him. They’d had a few drinks, nothing more, and Aaron had no intention of ever seeing him guy again. Just another random stranger who couldn’t help him forget the feelings that Robert's return had stirred up inside him that he thought he had left behind.

Apparently nothing could.

How the hell did Robert find him there and why the hell had he been spying on him?

“Doesn’t mean he doesn’t have regrets. Aaron, I don’t think he’s coping with the way things are. I know he hurt you when he shut you out, but he was only trying to protect you.”

“And I forgave him, Vic. We’re friends, but we can never be what we were before. Too much has happened.”

“Are you sure that’s what you want though? Because I know that’s not what Robert wants. And if you feel the same, you need to tell him that.”

“I don’t,” Aaron said firmly. “Robert and I are over. We have been for three years. Just leave it alone.”

Sometimes, Vic thought, people were just too stubborn and caught up in their own head that they couldn’t see what they wanted was right in front of them.

“Aaron, whatever he saw last night upset him so much that he felt he had to leave.”

“What do you mean he left? Where the hell did he go?”

“Why do you care? You just finished telling me you basically don’t feel anything for him anymore.”

“I can still care about him, Vic. And I do. I want him to be happy.”

“Then why are you trying so damn hard to make him so miserable?”

“That’s not what I’m trying to do!” Aaron said defensively. “I don’t want to make another mistake. What if I give him my heart and he breaks it again? I can’t risk that. He’s already running away again, what he does best.”

“You haven’t really given him any other option, have you? You were the one that told him you just wanted to be friends that you couldn’t be with him. He needed to get away, clear his head, figure out where he goes from here. He pretty much told Chas that if he doesn’t have you he’s not even sure he wants to stay here. If that doesn’t tell you how he feels about you, I don’t know what will.”

“Tell me where he is than Vic. I need to find him and talk to him, figure out where we stand. I don’t want him leaving the village because of me.”

“Do you still love him?”

“That’s a hard question an answer.”

“It’s really not. You either do or you don’t.”

Maybe it was time to stop pretending. The ache in his chest hadn’t diminished after all this time. Maybe it never would. “Fine! I do. I never stopped. Is that what you want to hear? I fucking love him still more than anything, and I hate that I do. I hate that he still makes me feel this way after everything he did. I hate that I can’t think of anybody else but him. I hate how every time I see him my heart beats a little faster. I hate that I still, despite everything, want him.”

Satisfied that she’d finally gotten him to admit his true feelings, Vic crossed her arms over her chest. “Now that wasn’t so hard to admit was it?”

Aaron narrowed his eyes. “It was actually. I haven’t said that out loud to anyone. I don’t think I had even admitted it to myself.”

“You’ve had your real feelings for Robert buried so long,” Vic murmured. “Three years the two of you have been missing each other. Now it’s time for the two of you to grow up and do something about it. I swear, the two of you both act like idiots sometimes.”

Aaron cracked a smile. “Yeah, we really gotta work on that.”

Vic handed him her phone. “That’s where he’s staying.”

Aaron grabbed his keys, his wallet, and pulled on his jacket. “Not a word to anyone about this. Not until Rob and I get a chance to talk to each other. I have no idea what I’m going to say to him, and I don’t know how he’ll react.”

“He was pretty mad this morning, he might just slam the door in your face.”

“Thanks for that,” Aaron muttered. He stopped at the door, turned around. “Wish me luck.”

_ Like you’ll need it,  _ Vic thought. When she heard the sound of a car engine sparking to life, she called Chas. “That’s Aaron done for. He’s already on his way to see Robert.”

“That didn’t take much convincing,” Chas said.

“Their two idiots in love,” Vic said. “After all this time, who knew they’d get another chance like this?”

“They better not screw it up this time.”

* * *

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” Aaron muttered under his breath as he took a corner a little too fast on his way to the hotel Robert had checked into. “He’s the one that left me, why am I doing the chasing?”

_ Because you idiot, you love him _ . Still. Wildly. Madly. Yet he’d been keeping him at arms-length, trying to make him jealous, and for what? For some sort of payback? What was the point?

In the rearview mirror, long stretches of road faded behind him. He concentrated on the road ahead, but his mind was somewhere else.

He’d missed Robert more than he could admit to himself. He thought about the old letter, the only one he had ever gotten from Robert when he was in prison that was now stuffed in the pocket of his jacket, and the letter he had written back but never mailed. It too was in his jacket pocket.

Maybe it was time to let Robert read it, let him see how everything had been for him back then, when Robert’s absence had been felt the most. Maybe it was time to show Robert the words jotted down on a piece of paper that he’d written while in lockdown with Cain when he’d had nothing but the unresolved feelings that had been weighing on his mind as company. There had been no point mailing the letter to the prison back then because in that letter from Robert they had both accepted that that was the end, and there was no point in dragging it out. A few words on a piece of paper wouldn’t change anything so he kept the letter tucked away in his bedside table in a white envelope marked with Robert’s name on it.

He had learned to accept that and moved on with his life, or at least he had tried to. For three years he tried, and in some aspects, he’d succeeded in that, but there was always a part of him that was cornered off, and his inability to share himself with another person after Robert had often been an argument he had to fight with himself about.

Over the past three years, he’d paid little attention to having a love life, his thoughts always flitted back to Robert – selfish, arrogant, cocky Robert – until he started to seriously question his own sanity.

Body and mind, he had held back both, unable and unwilling to take that step with anyone that tried to come close. A few had tried to break through the invisible armor he had worn to protect his heart, but they all failed in the end – or they had given up.

Shaking off the regrets and doubts clouding his mind, he reminded himself that none of that mattered now.

He kept driving, absorbed in his own thoughts. The landscape blurred, then disappeared.

Yeah, Robert was a lot of things and he drove him crazy more days than not, but he loved him. Every damn piece of him.

* * *

Robert spent a lot of time going over in his mind how he’d failed at keeping a safe distance from Aaron. He almost laughed out loud at the absurdity of the illusion when he had thought it was even possible that he could keep away.

He had never been able to stay away from Aaron in the past, how had he really expected that to change now?

He had fallen back in love with Aaron almost instantly. He hadn’t just fallen – he’d stumbled face first.

Robert had never backed down from a challenge, had often thrived on them, but this, just being friends with Aaron, at Aaron’s insistence, he was failing miserably.

He wasn’t intimidated by other men, never had been, but, he admitted, after three years of being separated from Aaron, jealousy was cropping up too often for comfort. 

Regrets, yeah he had plenty of those. More than he could count. But he had paid for them, hadn’t he?

When he heard the knock on the door, interrupting his inner ramblings, he wondered who the hell would be looking for him here. The only person that knew where he was going was Vic, and she had no reason to show up now.

When Robert opened the door, he was wearing faded jeans and a white shirt, and the last person he expected to see was Aaron standing there on the other side of the door. “What are you doing here?” Robert let himself stare. Aaron hadn’t shaved and the shadow of a beard only added to his attractiveness. Not that he would let Aaron in on that.

Aaron kept his eyes level with Robert’s and couldn’t ignore that Robert hadn’t taken his eyes off him since he’d answered the door. “Came to see you. Vic told me where to find you. Can I come in?”

“I guess.” Robert moved back so Aaron could come in before he shut the door. “I wasn’t expecting company.”

“I see that.” The bed was a mess, the sheets in a tangled mess, and Robert had made no effort to throw out the four empty beer cans that were scattered on the bedside table. “Throwing a little party?”

“Pity party,” Robert said. 

“Because of me. Vic said you saw me last night, outside that bar.”

“Yeah.” Robert didn’t elaborate.

“I just went out for a drink, I don’t know why you’re in such a mood about it. You’re not my husband anymore, you don’t get to tell me what I can or can’t do.”

That stung, but Robert didn’t let it show. “Fair point. Doesn’t mean it can’t bother me.”

“It’s none of your business anymore.”

“You’ve made that clear.”

“You ended things between us, you don’t get to come back three years later and try to dictate how I live my life.”

“I’m sorry. I saw you out with someone that wasn’t me and I got jealous, is that what you want to hear?”

“I was just trying to move with my life, that’s what you wanted, wasn’t it? Why you divorced me.”

“I didn’t see you contesting it,” Robert shot back, his frustration mounting.

“What the hell was I supposed to do? Drive down to the prison and demand you see me before agreeing to it? I couldn’t even get through to you. Every time I tried to get in contact with you, they told me you were refusing to talk to anyone, especially me.”

“I didn’t know you tried.”

“It wouldn’t have changed your mind though, would it? You were bound and determined to destroy us, our marriage. And you did a great job of it.”

“But now I’m here and you just want us to be friends. You want to pretend like we never happened.”

“You did that,  _ you _ ! Don’t turn this around on me. I was only doing what you wanted, I let you go, you didn’t leave me with much choice.”

“By doing what?” Robert was primed to fight. “By going out on the pull at some sleazy night club?”

Because Robert was shouting now, Aaron matched his voice to Robert’s. “No. I wasn’t going out on the pull. I wasn’t even interested in that guy. He could have been anybody. I was just trying to make the most of the situation. By getting on with my life. That’s what you wanted, remember?”

“I thought I was going to be in there for fourteen years!” Robert shouted. “I didn’t want you stuck in a marriage where all you had to look forward to were nightly phone calls and weekly visits, if we even got that. That wasn’t any kind of life for either of us. I was scared of you resenting me down the line because I was the reason our marriage would have turned into that. I didn’t want that for you.”

“But I wanted you. I loved you. You were just too wrapped up in your own head to see that. I’m so sick of people trying to run my life. For the first time in a long time, I’m making the decisions and you’re just going to have to deal with that.”

“And you decided we would just be friends, nothing more. I get that. Doesn’t mean I have to like it, which I don’t.”

“I don’t either.”

“What?”

“I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, and I’ve decided that I’m done. I’m done pretending that I don’t want more than what we have. I don’t want to be your friend.”

“So you came here to tell me that we can’t even be friends now?”

“No, not exactly.” Aaron took a step closer. “I came here to tell you that I love you and that I want you back. I want us back.”

“I’m sorry, you what?”

“I love you, Robert.”

“I think I have to sit down.” The shock was written all over his face as he lowered onto the edge of the bed.

“No random hook up was ever going to make me forget you or even come close to what you and I meant to each other. You’d think you’d know that by now.”

“I wasn’t sure how you felt. You never talked about it. You were the one that said all we could even be was friends, that everything that we were before was gone.”

“Because I thought it would be easier, which it wasn’t. It only made me want you more.”

“I’m sorry.” Robert took Aaron’s hand in his, laced their fingers together. “I’m so sorry for everything I put you through. I never stopped loving you, you have to know that.”

“I do now.”

“You need to tell me what you want, I can’t read your mind. If you want me, you need to tell me. I don’t want you regretting this tomorrow.”

Aaron pierced the invisible armor he had worn to protect himself. He was tired of fighting to keep everything inside. “I’m here because I want to be, because the last three months have been hell, having you back but not being able to touch you. And I know that’s on me, but I wasn’t ready, but I’m ready now.”

“Can I ask you one question? Did you meet up with that guy in hopes that I would get jealous?”

Aaron bit his lip. “I had to improvise. I didn’t know what else to do.”

“You had to improvise.” Robert gaped at him, realized he’d been played. And damn it, he had fallen right into it with his eyes wide open. “What was your goal exactly? To get me so jealous that I would---”

“I wanted to hurt you, I wanted you to know what it felt like when you walked away from me.”

Robert couldn’t blame him for that, and it had hurt him. A lot. “We’ve both been stupid, Aaron. Ever since I came back I’ve been too afraid to face my feelings for you and you’ve been too scared to admit that you still care about me because I hurt you. I know I did, and I knew I wasn’t just going to be able to walk back into your life and expect us to pick up where we left off. I needed to work to get your trust back, and your love. That’s why I agreed when you said we could only be friends. It killed me, but I did it because I knew it’s what you needed from me.”

“All of a sudden you’re fucking noble.”

“Patience isn’t exactly my strong suit, but I didn’t see any other way to show you.”

Aaron retreated again, nerves shattered. “I should go, I----” Heat shot through him, and he couldn’t take his eyes off Robert as he came closer, boxed him against the door. “I should go.”

“But you don’t want to. And if you say you do, you’re a liar.”

Robert caged him in, and all Aaron could think about was grabbing Robert and smashing their mouths together, but he hesitated. “No, I don’t want to go.”

“Stay or run.” Robert whispered the words, his breath hot against Aaron’s neck. “Last chance.” His eyes were dark, demanding, focused on Aaron’s. “If you stay, there’s no going back. It’s just you and me. Stay or run.” He watched Aaron, waited.


	3. Chapter 3

He wanted to be held and touched and taken, but not just by anyone. No one else had ever been able to look at him the way Robert did, the way he looked deep, as though he could see places inside of Aaron that he hadn't dared to explore yet.

Hell, Aaron finally admitted to himself, he only wanted one man. And that man was standing right in front of him now, waiting for an answer to the question of  _ stay or run _ .

Aaron didn't want to run anymore. It was exhausting, the lying and pretending when he wanted this. He'd been a fool for denying it to himself for so long. And Robert, he'd made him believe that his feelings weren't real, that they didn't matter, hurting them both.

Aaron wasn't sure of the exact moment that he'd made the decision, only that it had been made for him long before this moment. Maybe it had been the minute he'd seen Robert again and all those feelings had rushed back even without him realizing it. The needing and the wanting to surrender to those feelings had been stirring inside of him long before tonight. Everything he felt, everything he knew, had been brought back to life. “Stay,” he murmured, then crushed their mouths together.

Robert had been so sure Aaron was on the verge of ending what had barely begun between them. He'd been prepared to be coldly furious, to bluff, fall back into the masquerade where he could let himself believe he didn't give a damn if Aaron decided to run. But instead, he found himself getting lost in one kiss then another until he couldn't even think at all.

He wanted this, Aaron thought. The painful spin out of control, the hard, tough, impatient hands that were already scraping his skin. The relentless, almost brutal mouth on his. There was no hesitation, only desperate need.

Aaron found Robert’s flesh – hot, smooth. No words were spoken between them. Their hands told each other all they needed to know. They both wanted this and there would be no turning this vehicle into reverse, no running away.

They fell onto the unmade bed, pulling at each other’s clothes with frantic hands as they fought for dominance, who would relinquish control first.

Robert’s hands were strong, quick, and powerful. They touched him, bruised, and destroyed. Aaron’s own got lost in Robert’s hair, dragging him down until their mouths found each other again, until he could answer that hard, vicious kiss with one of his own.

Robert felt Aaron’s muscles bunching under his skin, ridges of old scars sliding under his fingers. Whatever Aaron did to him, he welcomed; whatever Aaron demanded, he gave.

Aaron’s vision misted at the edge as they began to move together. Even as the blood roared like the sea in his head, he wanted more. He buried his face against Robert’s shoulder and let himself fall.

Aaron didn’t want to begin stuttering out foolish truths. That it had never been this way with anyone else, that no one – still after three years – had made him feel like this. He turned to look at Robert, who had his eyes closed, but a smug smile framed his face. “Was that worth waiting for?”

Robert’s eyes fluttered open, and his hands reached for Aaron, and cupped his face, guided his mouth back to Aaron’s. “I can’t keep my hands off you, what does that tell you?”

“I don’t want you to. Three years Robert,” Aaron said. “I spent three years without this, without you. I'm not spending another day without you."

Robert smiled. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. Now come here and kiss me again."

* * *

When they drove back home the next morning in separate cars, Aaron met Robert in the driveway at the Mill, a key dangling from his finger.

“Welcome home.”

Robert closed his hand over the key, reached for Aaron’s hand with the other. “Let’s get inside. I’m not done with you yet. We have three years to catch up on.”

Thousands of memories flooded both of them as they walked together inside. This place, it had been their home, the place they had planned to build a family in, to grow old together. They'd both thought the chance for that had been gone forever, but now they had a second chance to do it right, to start over.

Aaron thought about the old letter in his pocket. They’d been too preoccupied last night, rediscovering each other, giving in to long-awaited desires to bring it up.

Robert could practically see the wheels turning around inside Aaron's head. “Turn your mind off. It won't kill you."

“It’s hard to, right at the moment.”

“Stop. Don’t do that,” Robert said when he saw the tears.

Aaron’s hands fell to his sides in defeat, and he shut his eyes. “There’s something I want to show you but first I want to take you upstairs.”

Robert followed him, and took in one shaky breath and held it as he walked into their old bedroom. Not much had changed, but it still felt strange, like walking through a time warp. Their wedding picture, which used to be on the mantle downstairs, was in a black frame on the dresser. He wondered when Aaron had moved it, and when he had decided not to smash it to pieces, as he was sure Aaron had the urge to do at one point.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like this,” Aaron said shakily. “I don’t know why I’m so nervous especially after last night.”

“It’s still me.” Robert looked into Aaron’s eyes. They were cloudy now, and aware.

“I guess I knew, deep down, if I went to you last night, I wouldn’t be able to walk away again.”

“No regrets?”

“No, how could I have any? You’re here. It’s all I want.”

"And you're all I want." Robert wasted no time and tugged on Aaron’s shirt, let his hands possess, and as they possessed, they aroused. Robert indulged himself by brushing his lips on the exposed curve of Aaron’s bare shoulder.

Aaron looked at him, his eyes cloudy. “I love you.”

Robert had known that in his heart, but hearing it from Aaron’s lips only added to his steadily rising need.

Hands began to move and everywhere they touched a small fire fanned into flame.

Aaron arched against Robert, wanting and willing, impatient with the clothes that separated Robert’s flesh from his own.

Aaron tugged off Robert’s shirt, and saw his eyes flash that all but scorched his skin. One kiss turned into two then three, a desperate hunger that threatened to consume them both.

The last layer of clothes gone and no longer an obstacle, hands began to arouse, but didn’t hurry. Aaron’s explored, admired, and forgot to hesitate.

Their long sighs blended, that first endless shudder of pleasure as Robert buried himself inside Aaron, rocking them both. When they began to move, they moved together.

Aaron’s breath came raggedly, burning his throat. Robert’s movements under him urged him to hurry, but he was afraid the moment would disappear too fast if they didn’t take time so Robert fought to slow the pace, to taste rather than devour, to caress rather than demand.

The moment was briefly interrupted with the sound of both of their phones going off.

They ignored them and concentrated on each other.

* * *

Hours later, as they laid together in bed wrapped up in each other, knowing they could only ignore their family for so long, they checked their phones and found the same two messages on their phone screens.

The first message was from Chas.  _ Saw you both at the Mill as I was walking by. Still can't keep your hands off each other, I see. So happy for you both.  _

The last message was from Victoria.  _ I would apologize for budding in, but I'm not at all sorry. Seeing the two of you so engrossed in each other, the way it used to be, I don't regret it. Love you both. _

Aaron looked over at Robert. The mouth that had so recently sent his system into overdrive was softened with a faint smile. "I kind of figured they had a hand in it after Vic paid me a visit at the scrap yard."

"Your mum was no better, she kept shoving drinks under my nose and going on about how great I was. I should have known something was up."

"I guess our secret is out."

"Yeah, but before we deal with that, because we know what our lot is like..."

"What?"

"Before we came upstairs you said you wanted to show me something."

“I’ve been hesitant about it for obvious reasons, but now that we're back to being us, I want you to read this.” After throwing a sweatshirt over his head and pulling on clean jeans, Aaron walked over to where his jacket had been tossed against the back of the chair.

Automatically concerned, Robert sat up in bed and watched Aaron fish through the pocket of his jacket. “Should I be worried?”

Aaron handed him the envelope without saying a single word.

The words, carefully written over two years ago, words that stumbled over each other as he'd been in a hurry at the time to get the words out. He'd been in a different headspace then, no closer to being able to move on than he had been yesterday.

"I didn't know how to say all the things I needed to say to you. So much had built up inside of me by the time I got your letter. I rewrote this a million times trying to get it right. In the end, I just couldn't send it because I knew these were just words. There was still so much I wanted to say to you, but I wanted to see your face when I said them. So I held onto this for three years praying I would get the chance to give it to you and finish it."

Robert stared at the words on the page, then up at the ceiling, fighting the tears that threatened to fall. The words were important, but the meaning behind them was so profound and deep. "You would have given up your life for me."

"In a heartbeat. Still would. I held onto this praying that one day you would come back to me and I could tell you the rest to your face, so you would know how much I meant them."

"I'm standing in front of you now."

"I meant everything I said in there," Aaron said, pointing at the letter still in Robert's hands. "And I want you to know that getting that letter from you after seven months of not hearing from you at all, meant everything to me, even though it signified the end of us. I learned to live with the outcome because of what you said in that letter. Hearing that you loved me and everything you did was to protect me, even though I didn't agree with the way you went about it, came at a time when I really needed to hear it. I was stuck in a place where I started to question if you had ever really loved me."

That broke Robert's heart to hear that's how Aaron had perceived his actions, when he'd just been trying to protect him. "I'm sorry, I never wanted you to feel that way. I love you more than anything."

Aaron smiled. "I know. And your letter did help me finally get some closure, but you and me, no matter how far apart we were, you were always in here." Aaron grabbed Robert's hand and placed it over his heart. "And that's what got me through."

They hadn't given up. They'd finally made the choice to fight rather than surrender.


	4. Chapter 4

_ Aaron's letter - July 15, 2020 _

_ I’m sitting in an empty parking lot, the only car at 2:00 a.m., still trying to come to terms with your letter and I’m finding it hard to understand. _

_ I’ve tried to write to you so many times, but my words just seem to stumble all over each other until they don’t make any sense at all. I don't know why I'm bothering with this, it's not like you'll ever write me again. You said we have to let each other go, so I guess in a way this is a goodbye letter. _

_ You kept me in the dark about your plans. That last day at the prison, I should have known you had something planned. The way you looked at me when you slid your wedding ring across the table and asked me to keep it safe. I had no idea that was the last time I would see my husband. You broke my heart. You always had all of me, why wasn't that enough? _

_ I need to hear your voice, I need you to tell me everything you're going through. This doesn't make any sense. Stop holding back, I know that's what you were doing. You forget that I know you better than you know yourself. It just feels like your words are devoid of what you really want to say, but you're scared. Maybe one day you'll change your mind and realize you've made a mistake. But if I had to bet this is just you running away because you don't want to deal with it, you just don't want me anymore. I always knew one day you would get bored and leave me. And that's just something I'll have to learn to live with. But you already know it wouldn't matter to me how much I got to see you, I wouldn't have ended our marriage. Not the way you did. _

_ I don't know how to live without you. It's hard as fuck. It's been seven months and I still don't know how to, or if I even can. Most days it feels like I'm living in somebody else's body. I don't recognize myself anymore. I just go through my motions, put a smile on my face because if I don't everyone just thinks I'm going to harm myself or that I'm going to do something crazy. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and the world won't seem so dark and I'll be able to dig myself out of this hole I've found myself in. _

_ It's not been easy for me, I'm not going to lie. I've thought about leaving, making a life somewhere else, but I know that leaving the village won't help me escape the painful memories. I just miss you so much, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't feel like I have any control over my own life. First it was you making my decisions for me, now it's everybody else. God forbid anybody hears me admit that I miss you or that I still love you. They all think I should just forget about you like we never meant anything to each other. Ridiculous, isn't it? Still loving someone when they abandoned you like you did to me. Not to mention every other stupid thing you've done since I've known you. Sometimes I wonder how I fell in love with you in the first place. But that's a lie, too. I say that just to try and make the future a little easier to face. Because you know I would fall for you all over again even if I knew how our story ends. I would still let you kiss me at the lay by, even though I knew you had promised yourself to someone else. I would still go through everything we went through together, the good and bad, because it's part of our story. I don't regret a single moment. _

_ I haven't been able to drive by our lay by since you left. I don't know if I'll ever be able to. But you never know, maybe one day I'll meet someone new and move on with my life and losing you won't hurt so bad. _

_ God, it still overwhelms me with how strong my feelings are for you. How strong they've always been. You've always been a nightmare, and you've put me through the wringer, but you know what? I wouldn't change one thing about you. _

_ You said there was no good way for us to end, but why did we have to? You think I would have resented you down the road, that just visiting you, talking to you on the phone wasn’t going to be enough. But how do you know that? You never asked me. You made the decision on your own without asking me how I felt. If you had, you would have done things differently. We wouldn't be writing to each other like this in these pointless letters. _

_ I was ready to run away with you, start a new life with you somewhere else. Anywhere else. It didn't matter where we went or how little we had, as long as I had you. You. That's all I wanted, but I wasn't enough. _

_ If I could see you right now I would slap you until I knocked some sense into you, and make you understand that my love for you isn't conditional. It never was. _

_ You want me to be happy, move on? What the hell does that even mean? I don’t want anybody else but you, when are you going to get that through your thick head? _

_ I know I can’t change your mind, no matter how much I want to. You made your mind up and there’s no changing it. All I can really do is try and move on with my life, whatever the hell that means. Even though you’ve cut me out of every aspect of your life, I would still give up everything I’ve ever known for you.  _

_ I don’t know if you'll ever read this, but it's helping me get a bunch of things off my chest that have been buried deep inside for too long. Soon enough you and I, the final ties, will be cut and it'll be like we never existed, and that's what hurts the most. _

_ I don't want to lose you. When I said my vows to you, when I put that ring on your finger, I meant every single word and every word every day since. I only signed those papers because you gave me no other choice. If it was up to me, you and I would still be together. Yeah, it would be hard, and it would take a lot of sacrifices on my part, but you know what? I would still do it with no regrets because I love you and when I married you, I knew there would be good days and really hard ones. But I didn't care because I knew we would get through whatever life threw at us together. You and I against the world, yeah? That's what you used to say. Another lie. God, you were always good at lying. _

_ For better or worse, that’s what we said when we got married, but you didn't mean it. You broke every vow you made to me on that day, and I’m not sure if I can ever get over that. _

_ I don’t know when I’ll ever get over you, if it's even possible, but it's what I have to try to do or I'll end up buried in the ground or like you, behind prison walls. But I love myself too much to let myself go back to that dark place. Maybe I needed to read your letter to finally be able to let go. _

_ So that's what I'm doing now, I'm letting you go.  _

_ You won’t hear from me again after this, and knowing that hurts like hell. I hope you always remember, no matter what happens, where we end up, I’ll always love you, Robert Jacob Sugden-Dingle. _

_ Forever. _

_ But for now, I'm saying goodbye. _

* * *

"I was still angry. A lot of what's in that letter I didn't mean. That's why I was hesitant in showing it to you, I didn't want to upset you."

"I'm not upset, Aaron. I put you in an extremely rough situation. And I'm glad you were able to get everything out. I know it helped you. I just wish I had been able to better articulate how I was feeling. You were right what you said about me holding back. I was a lot. If I told you everything I was feeling in that letter, you would have come down to that prison and I wouldn't have been able to stay away from you. I would have given in, and you wouldn't have been able to move on."

"But I never did, not really."

"For that, and for everything else, I'm sorry. You'll never know how much."

"None of that matters anymore, yeah? We're together now, where we belong. After today, we put all of this behind us. We go back to concentrating on us, that's what's important now."

"And you're still sure this is what you want?"

Aaron answered Robert by pinning him to the bed and lazily kissing him, softly at first before it turned passionate. "Does that answer your question?"

It left him wanting more. "Mmmm yeah." Robert gripped Aaron's wrists and lowered his mouth. "But I might need you to convince me a bit more."


	5. Chapter 5

**_Robert's Letter - June 5, 2020_ **

_ Aaron, _

_ I know you're probably surprised to be hearing from me. I thought cutting all communication between us, severing the ties, ending our marriage, was the only way you would ever move on. I know the way I've handled everything has been a disaster. But I'm a disaster, always have been. But with you, for a little while, I felt like I had finally done something right. No matter what you think about me now, I hope you know how much I love you, how much I've loved you since that first time I kissed you. I still can't believe how impulsive I was that day. It was so long ago but I can still remember how all I could think about was getting my hands and lips on you. I had no idea how strong my feelings for you really were, and I didn't exactly handle that well did I? I messed up, but we found our way back to each other, more than once. _

_ Everything I did, I did to protect you. I just want you to be happy. It kills me that I stole your future away from you, the future we planned together. Having a family, building a life together, living happily ever after. I wanted all of that with you, and what did I do? I screwed everything up. It wasn't worth it. Losing you wasn't worth the price. _

_ I never deserved you. God, I love you so much. I always will. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Please never forget that. _

_ If I could go back in time and change what happened, I would. I never would have picked up that shovel. I would have left Lee alone and concentrated on us instead. That's what I should have been doing from the start. _

_ There's nothing you could have said or done to make me change my mind. Seeing you that day in prison, and I saw the way you looked at me, I knew you would have run away anywhere with me and you wouldn't have regretted it, not once. And we would have been happy, so damn happy, but living on the run, that's no life. For once I was trying just to think about you when I turned myself in. But I still hurt you in the end, Vic told me how you're struggling. I guess that's why I wrote this letter so I could tell you that it's time to let me go. I don't want you to suffer because of my mistakes. _

_ I left you with too many unanswered questions, that's why I'm writing to you now. I needed to tell you that breaking off our contact, the divorce, it wasn't because I don't love you, it is because I do. I'm sorry if I made you feel like I didn't. I was never great at telling you how I feel.  _

_ I know this might not make things any easier to accept, and if that's the case I'm sorry. I don't know what else I can say. _

_ I hope you're doing okay during the lockdown. I know you're wondering how I am, and honestly, I'm fine, health-wise anyway. Emotionally? I don't want to even get into that. I don't want to worry you even more than I know you already are. I miss hearing your voice, especially when you're yelling at me for doing something stupid. I miss holding you, being wrapped around you. I miss making love with you. I miss being so close to you that you feel like you're a part of me. But I have to stop thinking about us like that because of what we had, it's all in the past. The only way for both of us to move on is to let each other go. _

_ This isn't how I wanted us to end, but I can't change what happened. _

_ Please don't write me back, I don't think I could handle it. _

_ Go be happy, live your life. Remember the good times, don't think about the bad. Meet someone new, someone, that gives you butterflies, that puts you first, that realizes just how lucky he is to have you. Have that family you always wanted that I couldn't give you. Take care of Liv and Chas and Paddy. Please keep an eye on Vic and Harry. I don't worry about them when I know they have you looking out for them. Did I ever tell you how amazing you are? Cause you are. I was so proud to be your husband.  _

_ Please move on, but never forget me.  _

_ You have my heart, always and forever, Aaron Sugden-Dingle. _

* * *

The agony of losing Aaron, the fear of the unknown, and then the emptiness as his life had been stolen from him kept Robert awake. 

There were fireworks outside in the distance, blooming in wild explosions of color and light. 

Yesterday he had felt so unsure about his future, about where things with Aaron stood. But tonight, in its place rose new emotions. Love, need, and peace. He thought about what lay ahead. 

A future with Aaron, a chance he thought he had lost forever.

_ I promise I'll never hurt you again. _

Through the open window, a series of smaller fireworks exploded and Robert wondered how Aaron was sleeping through it all.

Robert traced the dates inscribed on the back of his watch. Aaron had given it back to him last night and he slipped it back on and all he could think about was that Aaron had never gotten rid of any of his belongings like he had known that someday he would find his way back to claim them.

His heart caught in his throat when he thought about all the wasted years, every anniversary he missed. He squeezed his eyes shut and let himself instead imagine all the ways he would make up all the time they lost to Aaron. The millions of ways they would celebrate. Wine, dinners, nights just like this one where they would make love and fall asleep wrapped up in each other. It was like he had never left. 

He had lucked out big time, Robert thought. After he'd sent that letter, which had been an impulse, a pulsating need he hadn't been able to deny, to make sure Aaron was okay but also because he'd been afraid, so afraid that Aaron would never know how he felt about him. And if he got sick - or worse, died - he couldn't leave this earth without letting Aaron know everything that had been building inside of him for the past seven months.

He'd accepted his fate - facing fourteen years locked up inside for ending a man's life - but the cost had been too steep. And he had spent months wondering how Aaron was coping. He wanted to ask Vic the few times he had spoken to her over the phone, but never got up enough courage to ask, and Vic never mentioned Aaron's name so he was just left wondering, hoping that he had done the right thing, but always questioning his decision.

He spent hours as the months, then years, went on, wondering if Aaron had ever met someone else, if after their divorce was finalized, if he ever got married again. Did he have kids? Was he happy?

Robert looked over at Aaron, who was wrapped up in a blanket on their bed, still naked, with that satisfied sexy smile that he always had on after they made love.

This was where he wanted to be, Robert thought as he snuggled closer to Aaron, felt the heat of Aaron's body against his own.

They had taken detour after detour, but as Robert pressed a kiss to Aaron's bare shoulder and wrapped an arm around Aaron's waist, he indulged himself in knowing that, without a doubt, they were both finally where they were meant to be. They had taken the long way, but they had made it, and he wasn't letting Aaron go ever again.

And his heart simply melted when Aaron shifted and placed a soft kiss to his neck. "I thought you were sleeping."

"I was, but then I couldn't sleep so I've been watching you sleep instead."

"I was thinking about your letter."

Robert tried to distract Aaron by trailing kisses down his jaw. He didn't want to think about that letter, the one that had been unfinished and devoid of how he had really felt.

"And how much it finally helped me come to terms with our situation."

"I don't want to talk about it. I hate that I couldn't even tell you how I really felt. I was being such a coward."

"You were being  _ Robert _ ," Aaron corrected him. "But you don't have to worry, I knew you well enough to know the words that you weren't able to say. I felt them, even if I didn't recognize them at the time."

"But it still didn't change anything between us. You never mailed a letter back to me, we got divorced, and for three years you hated me."

"I didn't hate you. I could never hate you. I was trying to get past what happened, I was trying to be happy. But Robert," Aaron said, putting his arms around Robert's neck. "I was never happy, not really. But I'm happy now, and I want to stop talking about those stupid letters. We're together now, and I can finally tell you face to face how much I love you, how I never stopped. I was too scared, too vulnerable, back then to admit it to you or myself. But I know it now, and how much I missed making love to you, waking up with you beside me, I missed all of it. I don't want to wake up one more day without you beside me."

"Are you asking me to move back in?"

"That and..." Aaron shifted, grabbed a black box from the bedside table. Robert recognized their wedding bands as Aaron took them out, and felt tears stinging the back of his eyes. "I want us to put these back on."

"Are you sure? I mean we just got----"

"Robert, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You, nobody else. I want to stop wasting time. I'm asking you to marry me." 

Forever had never been a word he tossed around, but with Aaron, it would never be long enough. Not after all the time they'd spent apart. There were moments even when they got married the first time that he had felt incapable of being able to promise forever. Now he couldn't see being able to promise anything but. Aaron deserved it. "You know what my answer is, but I don't want you to feel rushed into this. We can take things slow if that's what you need."

"What I need is you back here where you belong. What I need is for you to put this ring back on my finger. I've had to live without you for long enough already, I'm done being patient."

"In that case." Robert took the ring from Aaron's hand and put it on his finger, and kissed the soft skin there before looking up at him, and wondered how his heart didn't jump out of his chest. "Yes, I'll marry you."

Aaron grinned as he slid the ring onto Robert's finger. "Good. But this is the last time. I'm not proposing to you again."

"You're stuck with me for good this time, Mr. Sugden-Dingle. And I wouldn't want it any other way. Now come here so we can celebrate." Aaron's laugh was warm against his skin. Robert struggled for breath as Aaron's lips found his again, and lingered until they were both out of breath.

"My mum wants us to come by the pub for lunch," Aaron said as Robert came back into the bedroom after a quick shower.

"She probably just wants to rub it in that this was all of her doing," Robert said as he got dressed.

"She might have started the ball rolling, but we finished it. Quite expertly I must say."

* * *

When they walked into the pub hand in hand a few hours later, the first thing Chas noticed was the silver wedding bands that they were both sporting with obvious pride.

"Your welcome," she said with a smile as she placed two pints in front of them. "I take it you've been a bit preoccupied since you haven't answered any of my calls for the past twelve hours."

Aaron turned red.

"It's been three years," Robert said shrugging his shoulders, undeterred and not embarrassed in the slightest.

Aaron on the other hand hung his head, mortified. 

"And we're getting married," Robert said, just as Vic came in from the kitchen.

And this moment, Chas thought as she watched Aaron wrap his arm around the man he loved, was worth every lonely night she knew Aaron had spent, all the tears she'd seen him shed over the past three years.

She poured glasses of champagne. As she watched the way Aaron and Robert looked at each other, like no time had passed at all, she realized she'd been naive to think that Aaron could have been happy with anyone else. The smile that framed his face when he looked at Robert, that was all the proof she needed.

"I'm so happy for you," Vic said, coming around the bar and wrapping them both into a hug before grabbing a flute of champagne from Chas. "But god, it took you long enough."

"Too long," Robert murmured as he turned to Aaron and kissed him with their family looking on. "I love you."

"Love you too. And just so you know, you were worth waiting for."


End file.
